Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; he had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says, "Billy, it is so good to see you. So tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news to tell you."
First the good news; YES, there is baseball in heaven!"
"Thank God!" Joe shouts.
"What is the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow."
As a young man, John was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He
took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he not play any sports.
This was particularly difficult for John, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father John woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father John headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldnít accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "Youíre not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father John hit the ball and it sailed straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and went into the hole. It was a 400 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
God looked over at him and said, "Whoís he going to tell?"
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "Iím the greatest
hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "Iím the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "Iím the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Iím also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
A doctor advises a middle management executive to start exercising; so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the
bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course the conductor is upset," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."