A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home team quarterback blew his top.
"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared at him.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared at him a few more seconds; then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice fishing. He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice. He
started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out from above:
'There are no fish here!'
He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a little farther down the ice. He started to auger a new hole in the ice when he heard the voice boom out from above:
'There are no fish here!'
So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the ice, then started to auger another hole in the ice. Again he heard the voice boom out from above:
'I said, there are no fish here!'
He sheepishly asked, "Is that you god?"
To which the booming voice replied, "No, I'm the rink manager"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up.
"Where's your license," asked the warden.
"I'm not sure," said the hunter.
"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer," said the warden.
"No way," said the hunter. "If you're arresting me, you drag it."
Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter said, "Oh, now I remember which pocket I have the license in."
The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, "Any luck?"
"This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
"Good morning, doctor."
"Good morning. What's the trouble?"
"My shins, doctor. Look."
"Good heavens. They're all hacked to pieces. Looks as if everyone's been kicking you. What have you been playing soccer or rugby?"