A man goes to the races and while there he observes a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition. Before the next race, he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water. Like the first horse it went on to win its race.
The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water. So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse.
Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards.
The guy was devastated; so he went over to the priest and said, "What's happened? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on that horse!"
The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?"
The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?"
The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."
This man wrote into the newspaper for some advice.
He said, 'Dear Jan, I must get this off my chest. I hit an awful golf shot, and the ball didn't go anywhere near the green. In fact it hit on the side of a man's head and killed him. What shall I do?'
Jan said, 'Try and get more rhythm into your swing.'
A beginner sliced his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into more woods. Finally, after
banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he’d noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don’t know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother.
Jim came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Ted, noticed and asked Jim what happened.
Jim replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Ted said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Jim responded, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each other about all their
Suddenly, the hotel manager threw them all out of the hallway.
When asked why, he replied, "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and
driving his playing partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."