What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the
barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron to enter the bar was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The next patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as
arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "lookey thar up
ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!