George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid political humor jokes people make about me."
Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street, I want to see if I'm home."
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street.
Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word.
Cheney leaned over and said to Bush, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Boy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods, "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when Bill sat down in the conference room chair he
noticed Saddam had three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung out and hit Bill square
in the jaw. In the spirit of peace, Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking, then Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill
Bill in the chin. Saddam started laughing, but again, Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later,
Bill watched as Saddam pressed the third button; so Bill jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the knee. Bill had decided he had
had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bill's conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A short time after they started talking, Bill pressed the first button, but nothing seemed to happen, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk and then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved, but again nothing seemed to happen. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and started laughing uncontrollably, but like the other times nothing seemed to happen.
Saddam now had had enough of this, he stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!"
To which Bill replied, "What Baghdad?"
The Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on him for advice on every subject,
from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, he had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted the assistant's job.
"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side.
"Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take the assistant's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
A young man's parents were trying to figure out what their son's future career would be; so they decided to give him a test.
They took a twenty dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. They left a note saying they went out for a walk and would be home later. Then they hid. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a clergyman but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in a nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note saying they had left and that they'd be home later. Then, he took the twenty dollar bill, looked at it and slid it into his pocket. After that, he took the Bible and flicked through it. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took a whiff to be assess the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined!"
"What do you mean?," his wife asked.
"Our son is going to be a politician!," replied the very unhappy father.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise…"