A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car and asked the cop what was wrong.
The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."
The marine asked the cop why he was there."
The cop said, "I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."
The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?"
The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"
During a recent public outing, Hillary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this; so I'll just be blunt, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he jogs off.
A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al says to Bill, "You have to check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What happened?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the
candidates worked their way through the crowd, smiling, shaking hands and kissing babies. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd, smiling, shaking hands and kissing babies.
"That man's persistence is admirable," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
When the white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: no taxes, no debt, plenty of buffalo, the medicine man was free,
women did all the work and men hunted and fished all the time.
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!