Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control position and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer, an Assistant Admin. Officer and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $20,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
That's the way the federal government works and that's why we're broke!!
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money", he demanded.
Indignant, the man replied, "Hey, watch it, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said, "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides, the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
A guy was lost in the mall at the Washington Monument. He stopped a cop and asked, "What side is the State Department on?"
To which to cop answered, "Ours, I hope."
A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton.
The Marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."
The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.
The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton.
The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."
Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.
The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton.
The Marine, a little annoyed, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"
"Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy hearing it."
The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."
Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on
the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot.
Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"
NASA was celebrating, they had just made the scientific breakthrough of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," he said, grinning broadly, "after fifteen years of hard research costing billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible, we could never do it, yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars, he wants us to try to find it in Congress."