A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes.
And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and
told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're
in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a few hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava a broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, boot ah couldnay find him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled..."SUPPLIES!"
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance
simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
This woman was vastly overweight, and she went to see the doctor about her weight.
She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me lose weight?"
The doctor replies, "Yes I do, all you need to do is shake your head from left to right, simple eh?"
She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?"
The doctor says, "Every time you order food."
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who
was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card, "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians just used a pencil.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?," roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications
and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"