"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me, I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really, I spill most of it!"
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't
think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to
be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this
test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes,
stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a
question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer
asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the
fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had
gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor,
and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and
decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst sees Joe in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead, but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled, isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.
Patient: "Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this
strange urge to give people all my money."
Doctor: "Would you like an apple or a banana?"
Patient: "Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a
lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you stupid fool!"
Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for
several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
She just smiled and held his hand.
He then continued, saying "When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem,"
the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."