Bill: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear! How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
The doctor took his patient into the room and said,
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
couple is sitting on a park bench. On the other side
of the park are vendors selling all types of food. The wife turns to hubby
and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
The wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
He says, "No I won't; what do you want?"
She says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
He replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember."
Several hours pass and, finally, he returns.
The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost."
He says, "No, and I got what you wanted."
She opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! She says, "I knew you you should have written the order down."
He says, "What do you mean, everything is there?"
To which the wife replies, "No, it's not, look, you forgot the pickles."
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think
I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies,
"No, just spots."
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife. "Show him, honey."