A husband raced into his house, found his wife and said, "Honey, I've found a great job! It pays well, has great benefits and weekends off!" She said, "That's wonderful news!"
He said, "I'm glad you're excited about it! I told them you could start tomorrow!"
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife "Cathy, pack up
your things! I just won the Mega Millions lottery!" Cathy replies,
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds,
"I don't care, just so long as you're out of this house by noon!"
A new bride said to her husband at the first meal that she had cooked, "Dear, my mother taught me how to cook and I can cook two things real well. I can cook beef stew and lemon pie real good."
The husband looked down at what she had cooked that evening and said, "That's nice honey, and which one is this?"
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
As a new bride, Aunt Edna
moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put
a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
Adam asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
God replied, "Because I wanted you to love her." Adam asked further, "But why didn't you make her a little smarter?"
God replied, "Because I wanted her to love you."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
While attending a marriage
seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the
instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with
your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man left for work one
Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out
the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.