A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
While enjoying an early
morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were
discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things
used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you going to do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Grandpa and Grandpa were
sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and
reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa
and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first
started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!" The wife replied,
"My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!
A concerned husband went to
a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf
because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
The groom. upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.