A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, The love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out ... "
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him
around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he
had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on
assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law.
When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker," she replied.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a
couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside
heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so
they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could
possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and
they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first
time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the
guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road
next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows
down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
I haven't spoken to my wife in almost 18 months...........I didn't want to interrupt her.
A friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.
He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature handcuffs....."
Will Rogers is purported to have said, "Men who claim to be the head of their house probably lie about other things too."
A woman was telling her friend.
"It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
Marriage is an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is is that as both husband and father, I can say anything 1 want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.