A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After a lot of thought, he finally figured out how to take some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, his plan was to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his widow was up in the attic cleaning, and came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darn fool," she exclaimed, "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour.
The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money, doesn't that seem a bit steep?"
The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy, what's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his pack,
pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, "In the USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world
can you find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the USSR. And, we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out. All of the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a box of Havana cigars out, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world is there a cigar better and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away." Saying that, he throws the box of Havana's out the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer out.
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable, in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains, there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of
regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip off, how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Good morning, your honor."
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: “I have
new information that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.”
The judge asked, “What new information could you have?”
The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"