The following excerpt came to me in an ezine called
"Dave's Daily Chuckle". I thought it was so funny and so
accurately depicts both of my cats!! Just had to pass it along to you here - and
if you don't recognize your cat here, don't let 'em read these rules! Read
them now - you'll see what I mean! Also, stop by Dave's site sometime and
sign up for his very humorous ezine today!- Good, clean fun!!
Visit the site: Daily Chuckle
Join the Daily Chuckle: mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
Just recently found a site which says the author of these
rules is Cynthia B. Whitney. Her website is: http://www.castlepurrs.com/. We mention this because we always
try to note the author of material presented
on our site - whenever possible.
And now, the rules for cats:
RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door
is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered
an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think
about several things. This is particularly important during
cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors
are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there
is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
the rules for "hampering."
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the
most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work
as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the
aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects
make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in
mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one
at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress!
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out
of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they
love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do
come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you
will probably get a treat.